Operation: Destroy Postman
by TRIGGER M00NSHIELD
Summary: Deidara, Kisame and Hidan face the greatest evil known to man...


**I'm not too sure how long it will last, so I'm going to upload some new one shot type things before the other chapter of things like Itachis Diary of Doom, The Worst Idea Ever, Akatsuki vs Froggy etc.  
My bad…  
So anyway, this is the Akatsuki (Or namely Deidara, Hidan, Kisame and Kakuzu) vs the postman.  
I'm not sure if I referenced this in one of my other stories or whether that was a trip to the zoo…  
But anyhow, enjoy.  
Also, I had a few reviews and quite a lot of inboxes asking for another year of Itachis Diary of Doom…  
So It shall be done!  
Yeah, so look forward to that.  
I am at an internet cafe atm which is reaaaaally scary so you guys better appreciate...  
Random thought here… I so wish I had a penpal D:  
They seem cool.**

* * *

"Did you see him, un?"

"Nah, I didn't get a good look at the creepers fugly face."

"Me either, un!"

"Normally I don't take advice from people shorter than me, but I'm out of ideas. What should we fucking do blondie?"

Deidara frowned at the nickname and degradation.

"Hidan, un… Lets go and talk to Itachi about the creepy blue man. He was given something by him yesterday, yeah."

The two men nodded and hurriedly ran off to find the red eyed Uchiha.

* * *

Itachi sat in his room rereading the letter that his foolish little brother had sent him the day before.  
Despite being thrilled to receive a message from Sasuke, Itachi was rather annoyed with what he had read.

_Dear Idiot (AKA Itachi)_

_Its been a while since we spoke…_  
_I just wanted to remind you that I still hate you._  
_Go die in a hole._

_Sasuke._

_P.S Orochimaru says hi_

Sighing in irritation, he put the letter down and returned to watching Kisames fish swim around.  
He had never really gotten over how much he hated Kisame after the giant fish tank that now covered one of the walls was installed, even if it was rather pretty…  
Itachi had secretly killed the man (Jaws) responsible giving it to Kisame, as well as the fish tanks manufacturer.  
It kept Kisame occupied though, which was a blessing in itself…  
There was no telling what that idiotic man got up to when Itachi wasn't around.

A pretty red angel fish floated over to Itachis side of the room, it was Kisames favorite, being a present from his mother.  
Glancing out of the corner of his eye, Itachi established that his partner was looking the other way before Tsukuyomiing the little red marine creature.  
He smirked in satisfaction as the fish turned on its back and rose to the surface of the water.  
A gasp.

"Fishy, no!"

Kisame burst into tears and poked the glass tank helplessly as 'Fishy' floated around.  
Fishy was dead.  
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark knew that it was Itachi who killed the fish, but letting Itachi know that Kisame knew would be worse than pretending to be oblivious.  
Rubbing his eyes and sniffling, Kisame whispered meekly, "I just need some time alone, Itachi. Ill be back soon…"  
Itachi shrugged and gave his partner his signature I-don't-give-a-shit look before glancing back down at Sasukes letter.  
Feeling severely unloved and dispirited, Kisame rushed towards the bathroom to have a bath and swim away his sadness.

As the door closed behind him, Itachi sighed softly and contently.  
Peace at last…  
The Uchiha closed his eyes and leant back on his chair slightly.  
Perhaps a small nap would relieve some of the distress he was feeling…  
Loud, thundering footsteps sounded from the other end of the house.  
Itachi opened and narrowed his eyes barely seconds after he had closed them.  
No nap after all…  
Hidan and Deidara burst into his room, out of breath and visibly shaken.  
He didn't flinch.

"Itachi, un!"

"Pink eye, we need your help!"

Itachi glared at the nickname Hidan had so graciously given him before looking the other way snobbishly.  
If anyone had pink eye it was Hidan.  
What ever they wanted they could figure out on their own.

"Please Itachi, un!"

"Its about the fucking blue creeper!"

The Uchiha glanced back at them and furrowed his brows.  
Blue creeper…?  
His roommate had his moments as did everyone, but Itachi wouldn't refer to Kisame as a creeper…  
Even if he _was_ the terror that lurked at the bottom of the bath tub…  
The red eyed prodigy raised his eyebrows at the two, using body language to physically ask them to continue and what the fuck they were on about.

"He came yesterday and gave you a letter-"

"And came today and fucking took something!"

Had Itachi been anyone who showed emotion, he would have face-palmed, rolled his eyes and slapped the two fools over the head.  
Since when did anyone care about the postman so much?  
The Uchiha vaguely acknowledged the noise of the bathroom door closing before looking at them boredly,

"Honestly you two. What sort of problem do you have with th-"

"Itachi! I feel better now, I'm ba-"

"THE BLUE MAN, UN!"

"KILL THE FUCKER!"

* * *

After being explained that Kisame is not the same man that was visiting the house every morning, Deidara and Hidan had begun to plot the postmans demise.  
Kisame, being thrilled that there were other 'blue people' out there (but being scared nonetheless) had joined the terrorist and greasy haired priest in spying on the man.

The next day was Sunday and Deidara, Hidan and Kisame stayed up all night to catch the 'Blue Creeper Man' in the act.  
Of course they had no way of knowing that the post doesn't come on Sundays…

* * *

Kakuzu sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and consulting The Shinobi Times.  
He had slept blissfully well last night.  
Hidan was nowhere in sight and his lack of snoring and 'sleep stabbing' (As Kakuzu called it) had resulted in the best night of slumber the money snatching miser had ever had.  
He genuinely wished he could kill the priest… If only to get his sleeping pattern back to normal.  
Kakuzu looked up and raised his cup cheerily at Itachi who had wandered into the kitchen to make himself a coffee.

"Sleep well, Itachi?"

"Wonderfully, Kakuzu."

They nodded at each other and Itachi sat down across from the happy miser.  
Kakuzu put down his newspaper and glanced at the Uchiha across the table.  
He seemed oddly happy this morning and Kakuzu wanted to know why.  
Perhaps it had something to do with why Hidan was out all night as well?

"Say, Itachi?"

"Yes, Kakuzu?"

"You seem well rested this morning…"

"Very much so. Ever since the 'Blue Creeper Man' has begun delivering letters to us, Hidan, Kisame and Deidara have been keeping watch outside for him to come back."

Kakuzu spilled his coffee over his lap in shock.  
Blue Creeper Man?  
Back when he still resided in The Village Hidden in the Waterfall, Kakuzu had become familiar with a camouflage technique involving blue clothing and large bodies of water.  
Was it possible for one of them to have strayed off course?  
Maybe his old village had finally decided to try and recapture him…  
Gasping in horror, Kakuzu stood up and rushed out of the room.  
He hastily shouted "I have to stop the Blue Creeper Man!" over his shoulder at the Uchiha he had abandoned.  
Itachi sighed and gave in to temptation, face palming and thunking his head against the table.

* * *

Hidan, Kisame and Deidara sat at the window above the lairs front door, sleeping in shifts and awaiting the Blue Creeper Mans return.  
It was Kisames turn to keep watch and his gaze alternated from peeking out the window in terror to watching Hidan and Deidara sleep longingly.  
He sighed.  
The Blue Creeper Man had not returned since the previous morning and his lack of presence had given way to heated discussions.

"Perhaps he is hypnotizing Itachi with those letters, un." Deidara had said.

"No, idiot. He is obviously a high priest of Jashin and is using his divinity to block himself from the view of those unworthy," Hidan had preached.

"Maybe he is one of my long lost cousins," Kisame added afterwards, having not actually _seen_the Blue Creeper Man.

The result of their gossiping had been quite terrifying indeed.  
By the time night had fallen again (being Sunday night) the trio had concluded that they were facing a fearsome ninja indeed

Kisame, Deidara and Hidan were convinced that a blue shark-like high priest of Jashin, who was probably created by Orochimaru, was chasing them because they were unworthy and lacked hatred.  
Even from the other side of the base, Itachi had unwittingly influenced their thoughts.  
The horrifying imagery had left them all shaking and cuddling their weapons protectively.  
That was when they had decided to sleep in shifts.

Kisame shivered in the cold and jerked his head up when he heard a shuffling noise behind him.  
Probably nothing…  
If the noise was behind him and inside the lair, it was probably of no danger to him.  
Or so he thought…

* * *

Hidan was woken by shouts and cries of help as he slept on the floor of the base next to Deidara.  
He jumped to his feet, scythe raised above his head and eyes wild as he gazed upon a scuffling duo near the open window.  
Still half asleep and scared of being unworthy of Jashin, Hidan automatically jumped to the conclusion that the Blue Creeper Man had ambushed them in the darkness and was fighting Kisame.  
He joined the scuffling immediately.

* * *

Deidara watched with his head cocked to the side as Hidan pulled Kisames hair, Kakuzu bit Hidans arm and Kisame put his foot in Kakuzus face.  
The yelling and screaming was wild.  
The last thing Deidara wanted was to wake his danna from his beauty sleep.

"Um.. Guys, un?"

Nothing.  
The fighting continued and the trio alternated, Hidan now biting Kakuzu and Kisame trying to escape the Zombie Brothers.

"Guys!"

Squabbling uncontrollably loud, Deidara jumped in fright as he heard Sasori mumble from down the hallway.

"GUYS, UN!"

The three criminals stopped and glanced skittishly at Deidara, who crossed his arms in irritation.  
It took a whole 5 seconds for them to realize that there was no enemy among them.  
Sighing in relief and slightly awkward, the three men untangled themselves whilst nursing bite wounds and massaging sore scalps.  
Deidara uncrossed his arms and glared at them.  
Being mindful of a possibly very angry puppet, he hissed, "Why are you fighting!"

Kisame and Hidan opened their mouths dumbly and pointed to Kakuzu.  
The jumpy miser held his hands up in defense and shook his head.

"What are you even doing here, Frankenstein!"

Deidara growled at Kakuzu as the miser glared at him in return.

"I thought Kisame was the Blue Creeper Man…"

His response was met with horrified gasps.  
Deidara, Hidan and Kisame glanced among themselves in terror before Hidan looked back to Kakuzu, nothing but total fear in his eyes.  
"You know the Blue Creeper Man?" he whispered in fright.  
Kakuzu nodded and gravely replied, "Yes, I think he is trying to capture me."  
More gasps all around.  
"That's why he keeps coming back, un!"  
Kakuzu jumped up in terror and glanced out the window fearfully.  
Looking over his shoulder, he murmured under his breath, "What do you know about him?"  
Kisame, Deidara and Hidan shared looks between themselves and proceeded to tell Kakuzu everything they knew.

* * *

"So you're telling me… A man related to Kisame who just so happens to be a high priest of Jashin, is invisibly stalking Kakuzu and sending fake messages to hypnotize Itachi…?"  
Sasori gazed at Deidara, Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu skeptically.  
"Yes, un! And he was created by Orochimaru!"  
Sasori sighed.  
He was well aware of the postmans visits the last few days and had shared an amusing conversation about it with Itachi.  
But this was ridiculous…  
How in Pein, Satan, Jashin and Gods name did they come up with this load of bullshit…?

"Please help us danna, un"

Normally Sasori gave in to Deidaras puppy dog eyes and helpless tone, but tonight he was dead tired and irritated.  
Let them figure out their problems themselves.  
Much to Deidaras horror, Sasori shut the door in his face.

"NO DANNA! OPEN UP! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!"

Deidara hammered against the door tearfully as his partner locked him out.  
The wood splintered his fists and a small indent began to form in the door.  
Kakuzu placed a hand on Deidaras shoulder in comfort.

"Its okay, Blondie… We are all in this together…"

"Screw you, un… Don't call me Blondie…. Thanks, yeah…"

Deidara sighed and Kisame hugged him comfortingly as the artist lowered his head, unsure of what to do next.  
It was about 6am and the quadroon had been up all night keeping watch and sharing dramatic speculations about the Blue Creeper Man.  
Now, not only did was he a high priest of Jashin who is related to Kisame, created by Orochimaru, hypnotizing Itachi and stalking Kakuzu…  
He also was the one who kept stealing Zetsus fertilizer… Which obviously meant that he was also a plant of some kind…  
A blue, Jashin worshipping plant-shark-man…  
Definitely Orochimarus work…

The trio huddled around Sasoris door before following Hidan down the hall, back to the window.  
They had only just rounded the corner when they heard it.  
Hidan gasped from the windowsill,  
"THERE HE IS! THERES THE BLUE CREEPER FUCK!"

* * *

As the sun rose, shouts of horror and anger filled the base and surrounding forests as Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan and Deidara attacked the unsuspecting postman.  
Kakuzu spilled his threads around the trees in an attempt to trap the postman, but only ended up getting himself tangled.

"He's repelling my threads somehow! Help!"

Hidan swung his scythe around in blind terror, cutting Kakuzus threads as he too got tangled in them.  
After a few seconds, the grey haired priest was hanging half suspended in the air.

"Shit! The fucker's got me too! He must have some fairy magical bullshit as well!"

Deidara flew around above them all.  
He couldn't really see much because the trees were so thick, but everytime he heard a noise he threw a bomb in that direction.  
It wasn't working out too well because all of the noise was coming from Kakuzu and Hidan.  
The miser and priest swore violently as they were showered with clay and the trees around them caught fire.

"I cant see him, un!"

Kisame gasped as he caught sight of Kakuzu and Hidan.  
He had left his Samehada inside in his haste to get out so used the next best thing.  
Sucking in a deep breath, Kisame used a water jutsu to flood the entire forest.

"Did we get him guys!"

* * *

Itachi answered the door.  
The doorbell had been frantically dinging constantly over the past thirty seconds in a violent demand to be answered.  
The second the door opened a grumpy looking postman held out a letter from his foolish little brother.  
Behind him, Hidan, Kisame, Kakuzu and Deidara lay tangled in threads, soaking wet and covered in cuts and scratches.  
The forest was flooded and the tree tops were burning.  
It was an odd sight.  
The postman, whose nametag read "Gary" pointed a thumb over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

"Are they always like this?"

Itachi glanced stoically over Garys shoulder and took in the scene.  
He nodded slowly, reached for his letter and replied, "Yes."

**Yes… Yes indeed.  
Silly Foolish Little Akatsuki.  
As always leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep…  
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep..**


End file.
